1: Address your child’s own needs, and teach him how to “bounce back” from distress
Studies suggest that kids are more likely to develop a strong sense of empathy when their own emotional needs are being met at home (Barnett 1987).
When kids have secure attachment relationships (so that they know they can count on their caregivers for emotional and physical support) they are more likely to show sympathy and offer help to other kids in distress (Waters et al 1979; Kestenbaum et al 1989).
Other research indicates that kids are more likely to show empathic concern for others if they have parents who help them cope with negative emotions in a sympathetic, problem-solving-oriented way.
2: Be a “mind-minded” parent
Treat your child as an individual with a mind of her own, and talk to her about the ways that our feelings influence our behavior
Observational studies reveal a link between parenting and “theory of mind”—i.e., what kids understand about the goals, desires, and beliefs of other people.
Parents who are “mind-minded” treat their offspring (no matter how young) as individuals with minds of their own. They also talk to their children about emotional and mental states, and discuss the ways that our beliefs, desires, and emotions motivate behavior.
3: Seize everyday opportunities to model—and induce—sympathetic feelings for other people
By modeling empathic behavior–and pointing out situations that call for empathy—parents can generate sympathetic responses in their kids. For example, if you and your child see someone being victimized (in real life, on TV, or in a book), talk with your child about how that person must feel (Pizarro and Salovey 2002).
4: Help kids discover what they have in common with other people
Experiments suggest that kids are more likely to feel empathy for individuals who are familiar and/or similar to them (e.g., Zahn-Waxler et al 1984; Smith 1988). Kids may also find it easier to empathize with people who they’ve shared unpleasant experiences with (Murphy 1937).
So it’s probably helpful to make kids aware of the similarities they may share with other people. The more we can humanize the victims of distress or tragedy, the better kids will be able to respond with empathy.
5: Teach kids about the hot-cold empathy gap
Have you ever noticed how hard it is to appreciate the power of a food craving when you aren’t hungry? This is what researchers call the “hot-cold empathy gap,” and it appears to be a universal problem. When people are feeling cool and collected, they underestimate how compelling emotionally or physiologically “hot” states—like hunger—can be.
Conversely, people in the grip of “hot” states often underestimate how much their current perceptions are influenced by their situation.
The hot-cold empathy gap leads to mistakes in judgment and failures of empathy. But once we understand how the hot-cold empathy gap works, we can use it to teach empathy.
For instance, kids may have unrealistic attitudes about their ability to control their urges and emotions—and keep making mistakes as a result. Research on the empathy gap suggests that trying to resist temptation may be less effective than simply avoiding situations that give rise to temptation.
So some kids need to learn that self-control isn’t just about being strong. It’s also about being smart. If you need to get your homework done, keep distractions—like that cell phone—out of sight. If your peers are pressuring you act to uncharitably towards “uncool” kids, maybe you should spend your time with other, more pleasant, people.
6: Help kids explore other roles and perspectives
As noted in the introduction, empathy involves perspective-taking. What is the world like when experienced from another person’s point of view?
Stories—from books or television—are opportunities for kids to practice perspective-taking skills. What do the characters think, believe, want, or feel? And how do we know it?
When families discuss these questions, kids may learn a lot about the way that other people’s minds work. Studies show a link between such family conversations and children’s performance on perspective-taking tasks (Dunn et al 2001).
In addition, research on autistic children hints that kids may benefit from explicit coaching. In one study, three autistic kids watched an adult describe how he figured out what another character would think and do next (e.g., “These footprints are a clue. He’ll follow these footprints to the treasure chest and open it up”). The technique helped kids solve similar problems on their own (LeBlanc et al 2003).
And don’t forget role playing games. In one experimental study, researchers asked young, healthy medical students to simulate the difficulties of old age. For example, students wore goggles covered with transparent tape to simulate the effects of cataracts. To experience poor motor control, the students wore heavy rubber gloves. After the experiment, the students showed greater empathy towards the elderly (Varkey et al 2006).
7: Show kids how to “make a face” while they try to imagine how someone else feels.
Suppose I tell you to make a sad face. It’s just play acting, right? Not really.
Experiments show that simply “going through the motions” of making a facial expression can make us experience the associated emotion.
And it’s not “just our imagination” (whatever that phrase means). When researchers have asked people to imitate certain facial expressions, they have detected changes in brain activity that are characteristic of the corresponding emotions. People also experience changes in heart rate, skin conductance, body temperature (for a concise summary, see Decety and Jackson 2004).
So it seems likely that we can “boost” our empathic powers by imitating the facial expressions of people we want to empathize with.
Pretty cool, huh? And it’s not a new idea. As neuroscientists Jean Decety and Philip L. Jackson point out, this method was suggested by Edgar Allen Poe in his short story the Purloined Letter.
8: Help kids develop a sense of morality that depends on internal self-control, not on rewards or punishments
Kids are capable of being spontaneously helpful and sympathetic. But experimental studies have shown that kids become less likely to help others if they are given material rewards for doing so..
Other research has shown that kids are more likely to develop an internal sense of right and wrong if they are raised with authoritative, inductive discipline–an approach that emphasizes rational explanations and moral consequences, not arbitrary rules and heavy-handed punishments.
For instance, kids are more likely to internalize moral principles when their parents talk to them about how wrong-doing affects other people–inducing empathy and feelings of guilt (Hoffman and Saltzein 1967).
9: Teach (older) kids about mechanisms of moral disengagement
Research has demonstrated that average, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to harm others—even torture them—as long as they are provided with the right rationale.
In a famous series of experiments developed by Stanley Milgram of Yale University, subjects were told that they were participating in a “learning experiment” that required them to administer painful electric shocks to another person (Milgram 1963).
The “experiment” was a fake—dressed up with plausible props and an actor who pretended to be in pain after the study participants pressed a button. But the participants were fooled and—urged on by an authoritative man in a white lab coat—they dutifully administered shocks to the screaming “victim.” In fact, almost 65% of participants continued to press the button even after the “victim” had appeared to fall unconscious (Milgram 1963).
These people weren’t psychopaths. They were ordinary people exposed to social pressure from a plausible authority figure. With the right rationalizations, otherwise decent people can disengage their moral responses. And it’s not just an adult phenomenon. Kids can do it, too.
10: Inspire good feelings (and boost oxytocin levels) through pleasant social interactions and physical affection
An interesting experiment suggests that higher levels of oxytocin can help people better “decode” the emotional meanings of facial expressions. Researchers had 30 young adult males inhale oxytocin (the “cuddle” hormone) and then examine photographs of other people’s eyes. Compared to men given a placebo, the oxytocin men were better at interpreting the emotions of the people in the photographs (Domes et al 2006).
So perhaps kids will find it easier to understand the emotional signals of others if they are well-supplied with their own, naturally-produced oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when people experience pleasant touching (like hugs and massage). It’s also produced when people engage in pleasant social interactions (Uvnäs-Moberg 2003).